Soliloquy

Am i confused ?

I'm confused.

No,i'm not lost.

I think i see things clearly,but the more i see things clearly,the more it poses questions and the more lateral flow of thoughts,the more the confusion.

So i'm confused.Not in the conventional sense.
Its just the answers to my humbug question are not humbug.I hope i remember that.

And the question is : Is it ok to dream and have ambitions ?
Dreams that are not related to materialistic assets.Dreams that are not about making it larger than life.But dreams about those things that i......

From what i remember,since when i remember,we are always told to be focused.To be concentrated.To be sharp.To have a goal and to trot towards them goals.
Hmmm.True things.Whats a life without focus,indeed.
And grab opportunities like lions and make the most of everything.Paisa rules.

But,my dilemma is,the more i brood,the more i introspect,wicked mind wont agree.I somehow dont wanna earn only money.I dont wanna run behind fames and fortunes.It sounds lame to my head no matter how many times i show myself pictures of Warren Buffet,Bill Gates and A.Raja.
I mean,i cant understand wats the fuss,wat the big damned fuss about being focused on the career and money making is all about.

What i want to focus is on what i wanted to do when i was in 7th standard and thought of how i would live when i was 26.The only thing i'm doing from what i dreamed then is have an MBBS degree.Everything else is nowhere to be seen.

I know,my restlessness-wavering ideas,its not gonna get me one lakh a day,or get me patients from Chennai or Chile or China ,but i dont want to be that.I want to be just a Doctor who treats his patients,gets paid when they can,gets blessed when they cant.I think that if i do that,i can stay focused on what i yearn.And what i yearn is what i wanted to do  when i was in 7th standard and thought of how i would live when i was 26.

What i wanted to do  when i was in 7th standard and thought of how i would live when i was 26 was a lot.
I wanted to be travelling once a month,i wanted to be cycling,i wanted to be swimming,i wanted to be singing.
I wanted to learn the guitar,i wanted to further my born talents with the piano,i wanted to be owned by a puppy and i wanted to grow a beard.

The only thing i'm doing is stressing myself over faults-mines and theirs , and otherwise throwing myself in the same race,behind the same crowds.
I mean i aint no hippie anymore.I understand a man has certain obligations and needs to perform certain duties.But at what cost ?

All i'm doing from the dream is just the MBBS and a beard since a week.

When i think back after 5 years,will i be happy that i dint do what i wanted to do  when i was in 7th standard and thought of how i would live when i was 26 ? No,i dont think so.
And thats wats been itching since a while.
The wrong part was i ended up dreaming more about how good were the days when i was able to do what i wanted to do.I went all nostalgic gothic and what not.

A Goth

And i realized whats wrong about that is that those were the days when i could only dream.Today i can make my dreams come true,and thats ALL IN MY HANDS.Nobody can and/or is stopping me.All i need to do is juggle my priorities and win the race with myself.So getting nostalgic is not right.Believing in yourself is.I have been a rebel without a cause forever and ever.Now i should just as well channel it for the inner bliss.

And that is why i was feeling confused.Thats why i'm confused.

The solutions to all of lifes problems are simple.Whats not simple are the ways we complicate things.